In adulthood and as a married man I wanted invisibility for other reasons, mainly because I was so unhappy. I thought it would be better to be invisible than to live the farce I was living. The lies I told others and myself…all of it pretty shameful.
Then I came to prison. Come to find out, prison offers invisibility only it is not a gift or some reprieve from misery, no, it is a tool. When I first fell I held the opinion that “it’s not that the world needs protection from me, but it is I who need protection from the world.” Then I grew out of that.
The invisibility thing, sucks. When your invisible your forgotten by those who know you and when you call them on it they say “I didn’t forget you.” Which sucks even more because they consciously blew you off. Invisibility means that they never have time to send an email to you but have no problem leaping to their feet and driving twenty minutes for a pack of cheap cigarettes. Invisibility means people only write you out of guilt, oddly enough, that guilt comes from all sorts of places. Invisibility means that when they feel better about themselves, that they have balanced out their karma by communicating with you, they simply move on because your feelings never mattered to begin with.
Cursed is the person who feels invisible.
Because I know what it feels like and have dealt with it for so long now I do not want anyone to feel like this, it sucks. I may just be some queer sitting in prison but know that if you need to feel human again, like you matter to someone, to know someone is thinking about you…contact me. We’ll make each other visible!