I have a girlfriend who, God bless her, is amazing but when confronted with anything new she says “I can’t do it, you do it for me”. Prime example, I painted my toenails, a rare occurrence in prison that takes some ingenuity and she seen them. She made a comment about how she wanted hers done too so I offered her my supplies. Her immediate response, I mean immediate, was to say “I can’t do it, you do it for me”.

This gets me thinking about my own sense of autonomy and agency. I like my independence. I like to be able to do things on my own, at least the things that pertain to me, like styling myself, makeup, glamorizing myself (if we can call painted toes glamour) and even financial independence. Now, on the financial end, I despise asking for things. I want to be financially independent so bad I can taste that freedom at times. Handouts make me cringe, handups are better but its the same feeling that washes over me, it’s a voice inside me that whispers “I couldn’t” but others could. It goes back to “I can’t do it, you do it for me”.

I’m not okay with living like that. Asking for help is fine and I am going to, it’s part of socializing and healthy socializing at that. But I don’t want to depend on others always. Asking for money is the hardest for me, maybe its pride or ego talking, I admit. I have to seriously swallow my pride in order to ask for release money, which I’ll need a lot of, and college money, which I will also need a lot of.

Oh what a turbulent state of affairs.