The Cell Lease Agreement…
Here is a bit of humor about the dynamics between two occupants of a cell. Some may wish this was a real contract…
**Rules of the House**
You are required to sign this agreement prior to taking up any residence. You must obey all written rules and regulations as follows.
You must realize that just because you were mistakenly assigned to my cell, that you are NOT MY CELLY!! Neither are you considered a GUEST, or a GOOD BUDDY! I see you as an intruder upon me and my space. Do not get the feeling, in any way, that I like you. Just because you’re in prison, I can’t stand the idea that you’ve shown up at my door.
Regulations you must follow:
1. You will keep your ass and area clean. Do not come in here smelling as if someone sh*t on you.
2. If you see a radio, fan, TV, writing paper, toilet paper, pencils or pens, keep your f*cking hands off of them, unless I give you permission to touch them.
3. The window to the outside is on the lower bunk area, so this view, and the window are mine. You do not have a window, because you will never have the lower bunk.
4. The walls are mine on a permanent basis. Do not put anything on them without my permission.
5. I do not wake anyone for chow, school, work, or callouts. I am not your messenger service, nor anyone else’s, so don’t ask.
6. Buy your own damn store. I’m not your f*cking banker. I’m definitely not your Sugar Daddy. I don’t want a kid or want to adopt one.
7. Never whistle, sing, tap your fingers or feet to music. GOD HELP YOU if you snore. I’m here as punishment. Try me and I’ll make sure you’re here FOR it.
8. I do not give a rat’s ass about your sentence, private life, or case. I’m not your lawyer, your pastor, or your therapist. Unless you are paying me to hear you whine, then just sit up on that bunk and shut the f*ck up. I don’t give a sh*t about how this time is driving you crazy. Just the sight of you is driving me over the edge.
9. NEVER, AND I DO MEAN NEVER, bring your buddies to MY CELL. Wake me up while I’m sleeping and I’ll make sure you stay too afraid to sleep yourself.
10. If you are ever responsible for getting me a writeup, may your God the the only one to help you.
I fully understand the above and willfully agree to the rules.
by Rory Andes
A little cellmate banter creates funny things like this…
Email via JPay.com using Rory Andes 367649
Rory Andes 367649
PO Box 888
Monroe, WA 98272