I’m still the most comfortable in a bathroom. After 11 years in prison I have hidden anxiety that I don’t realize I am carrying until I step into my transitional house bathroom and I suddenly relax.

I relax in here because it’s a confined space. It’s small than my old cell but it has all the elements a cell has, toilet, mirror, sink and I get a little disappointed when I pull the shower curtain back and a bathtub is there opposed to a bed. But I will lean against the sink and breathe deep.

I hate that I do it. It’s instinctual, not purposeful. I don’t even think about it until it’s happening and I’m not doing anything in there but standing, like it’s my cell. I want to break that habit and feeling of comfort in a confined space. I don’t know how except to catch myself when it happens and force myself to walk out and say “good job”.

Here’s to adjusting.


With Love

Ruth Utnage