I have to remember my past. I have to remember exactly what I don’t ever want to be again. I used to be so unhappy. I smoked, I was lazy, I inhaled shitty food, I found excuses to take pain meds, I married someone I was never in love with. Oh yeah, I also tried to convince myself I wasn’t a woman.

I wore flannel and Carhartt pants and overalls, Danner boots and I had a giant belly. Over 300 pounds at one point. I was diagnosed with COPD and was taking 2 different inhalers to treat it. Working out was out of the question.

I was highly muscular, barrel chested, tree trunks for legs. Remnants of steroid use when I was younger. I was physically dirty and insecure. I let my dishes pile up and my car stay filthy. I was the neighbor that always let their lawn overgrow.

I stayed up late and was a prick in the morning. I sped on my way to work and rode law abiding driver’s tails because I was *that* person. The one who was angry all the time and ready to explode at any moment. I can’t tell you how many times I pulled over looking for a fight. It’s a wonder I was never shot.

I wore size 48 pants and 4x T’s because my chest and shoulders were thick. I dipped pizza in cottage cheese and got angry when I had to share a family sized pizza from Papa Murphy’s, which I bought with food stamps.

I don’t want to ever forget this former version of myself, ever. I like who I am now, pretty much the opposite of everything above. I finally love myself. I am a woman, smaller, I work out regularly and thoroughly enjoy physical activity. I run the stair cases just because I can. I think its funny to eat new foods that are healthy and I stay clean. My house is meticulous and I handle my dishes immediately, yes, even though I’m watching TV. TV, lol, I almost never watch it.

I go to sleep early and waking up is my favorite! I wake up happy each and every morning, elated to be alive…legit.

I can’t fathom introducing toxins into my body like cigarettes, pain killers, or whatever in the hell else we do to forget we’re unhappy. I don’t want welfare and I get motion sick in cars now, let’s go easy, it’s dangerous out there.

I get angry, like everyone else, with one key difference, I won’t entertain any thoughts of anything that might hurt someone. I’ve done enough harm, no more. I don’t like the feeling of hurting others so I won’t do it again, period.

I reject my old lifestyle as rubbish of the past. I own it, it happened. Now I move on. That’s my choice, to change into the woman I love. Hold me to it, feel free. When I say “With Love”, I mean that. That’s me, newly embraced and wholly untamed.

With Love
Ruth