I have spent many years now, dealing with my many ups and downs. Being cognizant of my emotional struggles I have noticed that this year I have been putting up some big ole’ walls. 

I have been at work every hour that they will let me and when I’m not there I’m doing everything possible to forget the holidays. Everything but celebrate.

I hate being this intentionally vulnerable, but here it goes anyway. I am hurting. I hate the fact that I’m in this place where my idea of a great Christmas is getting a card. Where I cannot go to church to hang out with church friends where I cannot hug my family. I regret deeply my actions coming here and I can’t stand the fact that this place exists in my reality because I lost control. 

I am lonely and depressed and nothing I’m doing is filling the void that exists. Instead I feel like there is this vacuum where I once had my loved ones. 

At the risk of sounding pretentious I hate that I have made such significant changes in myself and yet I still have to live with the old me in existence, even if its only in my head and from the judgements of others. I can’t stand it.

All my efforts to reach out have failed and the only contact I’m getting despite my best efforts is random people who have sent Christmas cards. Mainly from a program where if I write back it only goes to a po box where they do not reply back again, until next year.

I am craving human contact in which I get to interact with people on an intimate level. Just to talk about whatever. It doesn’t matter, I just want to feel loved again. Like I’m not a waste, trash that has been thrown away or some iron bound slave that you write on a whim and then feel better because you wrote the terrible person, look how much better you are compared to your neighbor. I want to matter to somebody again. 

I love people, truly. I was afraid to admit it before I knew who I was. But I am vastly different then who I was before. I only wish somone would give me that chance.

With Love
Jeff Utnage