When I first fell I was fresh off an attempted suicide and angry at everything. Most of all myself, however, second to that was God. I yelled and yelled at Him every chance I got for not intervening and than when He does, it was to keep me alive to face this punishment.

I wrote a short story called ‘God, The Ant Burner’, in which I likened God to a mean red-haired child with a magnifying glass burning ants until near death. When the ant could not stand the slow burn it would attempt to jump off the cliff to end the unwarranted misery, but the child would catch it, reposition it and continue burning it, laughing maniacally.

It didn’t take long to figure out that this was all my doing. There is no Supreme Being who delights in torturing things smaller than He. Owning why I am here and what brought me here is the very point. When things go wrong in our lives we instinctively look to see what caused it, first we look outwardly, rarely do we look to see our part in things until later. Especially when the result comes as a surprise.

I do not believe this is a flaw, but simple nature. You cannot anticipate everything, some consequences are unintended and some tragedies are just unexplainable. Imperfect people in an imperfect world. However, we are not lost entirely. The world is full of scary things and tragedy, but its got so much beauty too.

Before we die its the time spent in the little things we remember. Our sexual orientation is not a factor, but neither is anyone else. We think of beauty in its simplistic forms. Waves crashing, family dinners, drinks with friends. Mistakes…maybe. Regrets…definitely. Go live life, for real. Love, trust, give, recieve…

Just a simple thought from a simple guy.

With Love
Jeff Utnage