Hard Truth: Let’s Be Honest and Frank

It’s hard to talk about certain things. Especially sexuality. I was reading a book earlier this morning and the author was explaining the thought process of one of his characters and it reminded me of myself when I was still denying I was gay. I haven’t talked about what went on in my head and this author inspired me to be honest…brutally honest.
I remember thinking about a women having the parts of a man. So that when intercourse happened, I was then “bottoming”. I thought that if it was a women bonking me that it would still make me straight, after all, it was a women for all intents and purposes. So when I fantasized it was about a women, with a penis. Somehow that made me sleep better at night and I could still call myself straight.
I was also married at one point too. I could almost never finish with vaginal intercourse. In fact, it was nearly impossible and required immense amounts of concentration. I used to be embarrassed about that. I just simply refused to think about what that meant really. I just went on to keep convincing myself that every other way of sex with a woman was ok, so long as I didn’t think about men. I refused to admit to even myself internally that I could be gay. That was simply impossible, it wasn’t possible for me to be gay. My family had thoroughly told me so, ingrained in my head from tv, songs, childhood religious memories etc. Whatever I could tell myself to remain in this little hole of what I thought was my dignity. I thought that admitting I was gay, or even the possibility would just be the lowest form of humility possible. What a horrible existence.
The lengths I went through to hide my sexuality was awful. I would look up gay porn and then at the end of my “endeavor” I would look up something straight, my way of justification. I would even entertain “taboo” fantasies to compensate, distract. Even though I wasn’t really interested in them. It was better to look up something taboo then something gay in my mind. I would try and convince my wife to buy toys and let me pick them out, not because she wanted them, but because I did. But I couldn’t tell her that, that would make me gay. So I would buy them after convincing her and me they were for her. Then we would rarely use them because I didn’t want them to be used on her, they were for me. After all, if she was weilding that thing, it didn’t make me gay, just a freak. Being a freak was better then gay, in my mind.
When I finally admitted to myself that I was indeed gay, it was liberating. No more shame, no more guilt or hiding. I could be me.
The strangest thing happened, porn wasn’t even a second thought anymore. Didn’t even think about it, those “taboo’ things I used to disguise my true nature, never even a second thought. Now when I think of sex, I think of me and another man, that’s it. In all our glorious ways to do so, I am no longer ashamed of it. I have had to reconcile that with God, our Creator, and I am thoroughly satisfied with my walk with Him and His love for me. 

It’s so freeing to be able to just be candid and unashamedly so. Thank you to anyone who reads this…

With Love, a very proudly and unashamed gay man.

Jeff Utnage 823469
stafford creek correction center
191 constantine way
aberdeen, wa 98520