Letting Go

Recently I was forced into a move by my unit staff. Fortunately, it worked out fine. But that wasn’t because of them. If you looked a my cellmates history and looked at mine, you would never put us together if you were looking to keep us safe. I am openly gay and he is an old school white boy. So my unit CUS decided that we would be cellies. Not much I can do.
This is how I know that I was being set up for failure. Even a unit staff member pulled me aside and said I should go talk to the Sgt. because he heard the guy talking and knows that he is freaking out. Then with a simple word of advice he said be careful. Talk about making me feel all warm and fuzzy huh? I though they were supposed to keep me safe. But I guess their idea of making sure that I am not victimized is reading my mail and outgoing emails and alerting my CUS whenever a keyword comes up. They have no problem pulling me into the office two weeks after an email talks of something they don’t approve of, but when there is a potential problem tonight, they want me to do something crazy, like not cell in or worse. Both of which tarnish my ability to release under the parole board. SO my only choice is to play nice and in this case everything turned out ok, but that wasn’t because staff was doing their job.
Yeah, it seems as though their idea of correcting our behavior is making sure that our beds are made and we don’t get hot shot water before 7:00 a.m., God forbid we start our mornings early, way to protect the safety and security of the institution fella’s! Good Work, but where were you when I needed you. Then staff gets on my case about making sure that I am going to report incidences that may put me in danger. Thank God I haven’t had any yet, but even if I did, I can’t report them to my unit staff, their the ones who have tried repeatedly to put me in danger, with no luck I might ad.
I just don’t get what their problem is, I haven’t had a write up, I have had no fights here, I have done no drugs, I have never failed a U.A. and I am not getting tattoos done. Even though I am in a place where everyone looks chiseled in and sexy I still don’t have sex or anything else along those lines. So what’s the problem? Why try and set me up for failure. A few months ago they got all nervous thinking I was being pressured into sex, they misinterpreted one of my emails to a friend, and during that they asked me where I felt safest. So I told them right where I was because I had a support system. So they my current unit Sgt, agreed that I was safest there and not on the other side.
Low and behold as soon as she is gone, I am moved to a side that she claimed to have lots of “politics” which could put me in a lot of danger. However, I am not in any danger, not with my current living situation or anywhere else. Everyone is being so friendly and caring, when I mean everyone, I mean the inmates, staff is another story. Obviously.

But I am letting that go. It’s all I can do. Its not the looming threat of prison violence that keeps me up at night, its what is staff going to try next. These people are supposed to be helping me, protecting us and the general public by keeping us in here and in doing so getting us “fixed” for public behavior. Good job fella’s, doing a mighty fine job of making sure the one fag you have to deal with is scared of you. Not made to feel comfortable by staff at all, only welcomed by the inmates.

Go figure.

All is well, no need for the mailroom to freak out. I am safe and secure.

With Love,

Jeff Utnage 823469