Ready For Love?

What are you ready for? Me personally I am ready for many things. The one that is on my mind the most? Love… I don’t know why or how, but that is the topic that frequents my thoughts. I imagine what it will be like to finally be in love with another man. Finally be able to express my feelings openly and unashamedly. 
I sit on my bunk and think about my future lover and what we’ll do and the places we’ll go and the things we’ll say to one another. Then I think about my current circumstances and the hope kinda fades, well, not kinda, it does fade. I hate that.
What kind of relationship can be developed in a prison visitation room? Can it be healthy? I want to try. I think about planting a big ole’ kiss on my imaginary boyfriend in front of everyone in the visit room like straight couples do. I know that when people do that everyone glances and then goes back to their conversations. When I do it think about what they’ll say when two men do it. Will staff intervene? I imagine so. What if my lover is transgender? Will they let her in dressed how she wants? Will they make her dress as a man as her body’s sexual organs? I think about this and the outage already builds to protect the pride of someone who isn’t even real, and I get upset about a situation that doesn’t even exist.
I have no idea if I will be able to date while I am in prison. I sincerely hope so. Only time will tell. I can tell you one thing though, I have taken the time to inventory the problems that brought me to this place and have taken the time to individually fix/repair the problems until my whole thought process has changed.
I hope that is enough to counter my past. What must I do to prove my worth? What must be done on my end to prove that I am no longer that man that brought me here? Can anyone tell me? Will I ever be anything different than the monster in anyone’s eyes? I think about it often. This monster wants to love someone and I want to love the completely and honestly. Maybe my love is just to much right now. Maybe I am married to Jesus and He wants me all to himself? LOL!

that’s my thoughts…

With Love

Jeff Utnage 823469
Stafford Creek Correction Center
191 Constantine Way
Aberdeen, WA 98520

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