I got to thinking about my family after my resent post. I don’t like the fact that I am not in contact with them. I think about all of them often, even the ones that I know don’t like me. I think about them in good lights, positively. Like my Aunt Michelle. She is a sweet lady. I do get occasional messages from her. I know that life has not treated that woman kindly. For most people the things that she has gone through with the limited amount of support that she has had to deal with it would have put most people in the loony bin or at the very least created a massive drug addict. Instead she has taken it in stride and has been kind to everyone around her. I admire that about her.

Then there are my children. I don’t like talking about them and don’t do it in very much detail often. Not to anyone but my Mother. I guess she is the only one that I trust with that part of me. I have a big ole’ wall up there and anyone who dares cross it I will absolutely defend my right to keep it guarded. I am extremely sensitive to my memories with them. I think often about what I wish that I could change. I also think about what I am missing and how I should have thought of that before committing my crimes…I think about reconciliation, about how I pray that I will be reconciled and forgiven by them for not only letting them all down as a Father but betraying the relationship.

One day I hope that they will all come looking for me to get answers. I will be a new woman for them to get to know. Happily and proudly being someone new.

Ruth Utnage


Reposted from April 1, 2016